March 22, 2018

Grief and the Egret


Barbara Musser, Sexy After Cancer, death, grief, patterns, patience, self love

Today is Halloween and it’s Samhain. There is also a new moon and eclipse tomorrow. It’s a time when many know that the veils between this material world and the spiritual world are thinner and the mystery and wisdom of the spirit world is more easily accessible. The New Moon is also a time to plant seeds and create new beginnings.

I love this time of year. The nights are cooler and the darkness lingers. Mornings have been misty and mysterious. As I take my morning walks on the mountain or by the estuary, I am in touch with what really matters in life. The busy-ness of the day will come later, and this is my time for walking meditation. I breathe in the cool damp air and feel it all the way down into my lungs and belly and it reminds me of my connection with nature and mystery.

Yesterday I saw a majestic egret and took a photo of it ~ the wonders of smart phones! Someone told me later that the egret represents patience. This is just what I needed to know. The reminders of grace and patience nourish me as I continue on this journey and birthing. What am I birthing? My true and wise self!

It’s been about six weeks since my mother’s death. Grief has taken up residence in me and shows itself in unexpected ways. In making room for my grief I realize that patience is important. Some very old patterns are floating to the surface of my consciousness and showing me how they have shaped my life and my perceptions.

One pattern is the pursuit of acceptance and love by doing good and right things, and somehow falling short, so I push myself to do more. It’s a relentless cycle and it’s exhausting. It’s not the value of doing good and right things; but rather the motive that has caused me much pain. If I can be patient with myself as I unravel the threads of this, I feel so much tenderness and compassion for that part of me that felt such a strong need to demonstrate my worth by my acts. I didn’t know that there’s no need to legitimize my value. I knew it intellectually. But in my heart of hearts I didn’t.  One result is that I have controlled and driven myself to excel and the standard was impossible to attain. It’s the classic of the hamster running and running around the little wheel.

This pattern and the awareness of it that has dawned over decades, has been a pillar of how I have lived my life. A lot of it was about pleasing my mother to win her love. Now that she’s not here physically, I am beginning to see that this pattern can also depart.  Really? Can I actually be less driven?

In this time of the thinning of the veils, I breathe in the cool mysterious essence of the morning mist and I ask this question. I know that the power is in the question and that it’s not about the answer. Patience, breathing, walking, trusting and grief all swirl about in the mist and inside me. Something is relaxing and feels spacious and accepting. I feel grateful.


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