March 20, 2018

Sexiness Part 2…

Sexy is as mysterious as alchemy. And like alchemical magic, the ingredients are seemingly mundane, but can seem unfathomable to we mere mortals. Truly sexy people exude an energetic field beyond the knowable.

In the presence of sexy people, we viscerally experience that they possess something so desirable that many people want them, want to be with them, want to touch them, and perhaps want to be like them. Truly sexy people are completely at home in their own skin; know it and it’s as natural as breathing to them.

What you believe to be sexy changes over time. When I was in my 20’s, it had to do with youth, strength, robust health, smoldering eyes, being comfortable in one’s own skin, confidence and competence. There was nary a gray hair the on heads of those who I thought were sexy; in fact, older people were not sexy at all to me.

As I have passed through decades, what is sexy to me now is different:  signs of a life well lived – things like wisdom in the eyes, not taking life too seriously, being comfortable in one’s own skin, charm, confidence. Knowledge that their bodies and minds serve them well, a sense of openness and availability, the way they move and speak, the energy of self trust and being in personal integrity, not trying to impress me or anyone else are all qualities that are sexy to me. Some of the qualities have remained consistent over time and many have changed. Interestingly, as I’ve grown more confident and comfortable in myself, I find others with similar qualities to be sexy.

With the understanding that there may be no one grand secret to being sexy, let’s explore some of the elements of sexiness, to understand what often feels like a mystery.


Without exception, confidence is a necessary component. Many people who are sexy project confidence. It would be a challenge for a highly insecure person to come off as sexy. Think of what you see in their eyes and feel in their presence.

Confidence is about certainty in your abilities and place in the world. In a world of rapid change, uncertainly and doubt, another person’s seeming sureness attracts us like a beacon of safety. We can fall into the habit of comparing ourselves with another’s seeming security. When the boat of our life is pitched violently, the solid ground of another’s life and safety of their embrace is as enticing as a calm port to a sailor in a storm.

Breast cancer can pitch the boat of our life violently and rapidly into unknown waters. It’s easy to feel betrayed by a body with cancer, uncertain about the future and uncertain about our attractiveness and desirability.

There is also an opportunity to deeply explore who we really are, what really matters and what, not so much. Getting some clarity about these questions then becomes the basis for confidence, on our terms rather than what society or the media dictate.

An exploratory exercise ~ Take some reflective time to write in response to these questions:

  • What are my best qualities as a person?
  • What do others count on me for?
  • What do I count on me for?
  • What am I confident about in life and about me?

You can also ask others to answer these questions about you and see how they match with your thoughts about you.

As you ponder these questions and responses, what are you learning about you? Where do you feel confident and where do you have some room to grow?

© 2012 by Barbara Musser, Sexy After Cancer.
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This blog does not reflect the opinions of TPF, its Founder, Board of Directors, Advisors or Volunteers.  It is not meant to serve as medical advise of any kind.  Any questions about your health and sexuality should be directed to a licensed physician or therapist. Any opinions expressed are solely those of the writer who voluntarily blogs for TPF without compensation.

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