March 22, 2018

Is This You??


Last week we started a new 6-week session of Rekindling Intimacy and Desire on the Breast Cancer Journey for couples. We sat in a circle and each person shared a bit about their journey and what they want to learn in the classes. Here’s some of what they said ~ does any of this ring true for you?

  • I want to recapture physical pleasure
  • My desire for sex is down and I want intimacy, sensuality and sexuality to go up
  • I want the colors back in my life instead of black, white and gray
  • My partner is unhappy and I want to change that
  • I have many side effects including vaginal dryness
  • Losing my fertility is yet another unexpected loss
  • I want to get back what cancer and the meds took away
  • My vagina is thinner and dryer
  • I want to learn about what I don’t know
  • This is my life force energy and I want it to be strong
  • I don’t feel like a woman these days and don’t know what to do

The intimacy and honesty in the group was breathtaking. We laughed, cried, shared stories and ideas, and as the evening went on, it began to feel very different in the room. Facial tension relaxed, we saw more emotions, the questions got deeper, and new ways to experience intimacy evolved.

Here’s one of the activities we did:

Sit facing your partner, close enough so you can hold hands, and look into each other’s eyes while taking a few deep breaths to establish a connection. Then each person complete this sentence:  “I feel loved when…”. One person keeps completing the sentence for a few minutes while the other listens without responding. Then switch so the other can complete the sentence while your sweetheart listens.  When you have both had a turn, each person jot down a few notes as a reminder for ways to be loving in ways that have their partner feel loved. Take this as an assignment to do at least one loving thing each day for your partner, and share more ways you feel loved as you become aware of them.

The next day I received an email from one of the participants. She said that in 45 years of marriage she has rarely seen emotion in her husband. He shed a few tears and they shared some tender hugs throughout the evening. She was grateful for the depth they shared and the openings to intimacy.

If it feels right to you, share this little exercise with your sweetheart. Create a context of love, kindness and curiosity and see what happens. And let us know.


© 2012 by Barbara Musser, Sexy After Cancer.

For more resources, go to

This blog is not meant to serve as medical advice of any kind. Any questions about your health and sexuality should be directed to a licensed physician or therapist. Any opinions expressed are solely those of the writer.


  1. My husband and I recently rekindled our romance following my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment. We were able to restore something breast cancer had also taken from us. I cannot tell you the number of times this topic comes up in my online support groups.

Speak Your Mind