March 20, 2018

Courtship part 3…


For the bud of romance to open into a blossom, you first decide if the person you are with or an interested in, is a good or a bad choice for you. Making a good choice may mean saying goodbye at this junction because you know the person isn’t right for you. If it’s worth doing the repair work for a challenging relationship, that’s the good choice.

image.axdTo help the bud open, take some risks through deeper conversations and share your vulnerability. We all want to be seen, accepted and loved for who we are and as we are. It takes courage to be open and vulnerable, especially if you’ve experienced hurt with your partner. As you risk and share your vulnerability and tenderness, that open the door for your partner to do the same. You probably have a lot that’s vulnerable as a result of your cancer experiences. Holding this inside encourages it to fester and become more painful, so do what’s counter-intuitive and share it. Sometimes it takes opening the door so that each of you can share these tender feelings. When you do this it creates intimacy. Just go slow and be gentle with yourself and each other.

As your courtship progresses you’ll begin to feel more connected or attached, and may want to move towards non-genital touch. Our culture teaches us that touch is a prelude to intercourse. I suggest that you uncouple these thoughts and slow down and learn the language of touch and the pleasure it brings. There are studies that show that babies that aren’t touched don’t thrive. It’s the same with us as adults, but many of us have forgotten this. This may be part of a faulty love map.

Make some time when you can touch with tenderness and with no erotic agenda. Try this ~ light a candle and put on some soft background music. Sit facing each other; close enough so that you can easily touch each other’s face without straining or stretching your arms uncomfortably. One of you begins by asking if you can stroke your partner’s face. Once you have permission, reach out both hands and gently caress their face. Let your fingers gently explore the contours and textures of their skin, noticing the fragility of their eyelids, the firmness and softness of their lips, the soft down on her cheek. For a few minutes, love them with your touch, telegraphing that love and kindness from your heart through your hands and fingers. After a few minutes, switch so that the other partner can stroke the other’s face.

As you receive the touch, drink it in with the knowledge that this is a gift of kindness and love. Let yourself feel loved and accepted just as you are.

Take a few minutes to talk about how this felt to you. Was it easier to give or receive the touch? Did you like it? Did it help the bud to open a bit more into the blossom? Pay attention to the cues you gave and received and know that you are learning a new way to court and be courted as you create your personal maps for attraction and love. Trust yourself to choose well, which comes from taking each stage or courtship slowly and deliberately.

© 2012 by Barbara Musser, Sexy After Cancer.
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This blog does not reflect the opinions of TPF, its Founder, Board of Directors, Advisors or Volunteers. It is not meant to serve as medical advise of any kind. Any questions about your health and sexuality should be directed to a licensed physician or therapist. Any opinions expressed are solely those of the writer who voluntarily blogs for TPF without compensation.

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