July 27, 2017

Bring Back Your Sexy ~ The Sixth Tool

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Continuing with the 10 Tools and Power Tools for Bringing Back Your Sexy After Cancer:

#6. Share Your Sex History

Now that you’ve learned some powerful communication tools, here’s a way to use them, by sharing your sexual history with your sweetheart. This may sound like something you definitely DON’T want to do, especially if you have things you’d rather not bring up or are nervous about what your partner might say, and what feelings might come up for both of you. It can feel risky for lots of reasons, and if it does feel risky, then this can also be an opportunity to create some deeper intimacy.

A little more context ~ the purpose of this conversation is to bring you closer, not to cause pain. In 12 step work there’s a saying, “We are only as sick as our secrets.” Applied to this conversation, it can mean that if we can gently explore our sexual past, we can grow closer to each other. If you think this will bring up pain and jealousy, start by talking about that. Remind each other that the intention of this is to learn about each other. When I work with clients about this, it almost always reveals that we didn’t have good education about our sexuality, and many of us have some wounding from our sexual past. Sharing the experiences can begin to help heal those wounds, and our partner’s compassionate listening and open heart is a big part of that.

All that said, trust yourself. If your intuition tells you not to do this, pay attention and don’t do it. If you feel a bit nervous but also know it could open doors to intimacy, try it out. You can modify this conversation, too, to make it feel better to you ~ perhaps you have several conversations over time, and share different parts at different times. Perhaps you don’t name any names about who you had the experiences with. Keep the focus on you and your experiences. This is not intended to be a history of every relationship youHistory books 004’ve had, but more to talk about your own sexual life, through the lens of the experiences outlined below.

A suggested format follows ~ please modify it in any way you wish to make it feel right to you.

Even if you’ve been together for many years, this is a wonderful way to begin talking about sex.  Take an evening or an afternoon when you have plenty of time and won’t be interrupted. Sit on the couch together or in a way that’s comfortable and feels close and intimate. Light a candle if you like, or play some soft background music. Agree that you’ll open your hearts and minds to each other and that this is a sacred time, and that you will honor yourself and your sweetheart. Understand that this may feel a bit risky, and that the purpose is to bring you closer. It’s important to know that your partner may share some things with you that they have never spoken about before, so please be tender in your listening. Be curious and compassionate. Then let one person begin while the other listens.

Share things like your first sexual experience, however you define it.
Share about your first kissing, petting, going further.
Share about your masturbation experiences.
Share if you got caught playing doctor or masturbating, and what that was like.
Share about your first orgasm, if you’ve had one.
Share about any experimenting you’ve done, with toys, same sex partners, anal sex, oral sex, anything that comes to mind.
Share about any sexual wounding you have and what happened (abuse, abortion, etc)
Share any sexual secrets you have.
Share about what you like and what makes you feel good and what’s not so great for you.
Share about how breast cancer has affected your sexiness, libido, and your body

Tell whatever comes to mind.

As you listen to each other, listen with all your compassion and caring. This may be stuff your sweetie has never shared about before. Be curious and open and ask questions if you don’t understand something, but don’t ask for names and details if your partner doesn’t offer them. This is really about giving them the sacred space to share in a profoundly personal and tender way with you. They are giving you a gift, and you are giving them a gift.

Take as much time as you need.

When you’ve both had the chance to share this, sit facing each other, holding hands, looking into each other’s eyes and taking some deep breaths. The eyes are the windows to the soul and the heart, and take some time to let your sweetie know how much you appreciate what they shared and how much you appreciate having them receive what you had to share. If it feels right to both of you, lie down together and hold each other gently without words, just rocking gently, breathing together and loving each other in the quiet.

My suggestion is that you don’t talk about this afterward. Let the words shared rest as a gift given and received between you. If there are things that have been spoken that you want to work further with, do it in a similar sacred space. The intention here is to deepen your love.

© 2012 by Barbara Musser, Sexy After Cancer.
For more resources, go to SexyAfterCancer.com

This blog does not reflect the opinions of TPF, its Founder, Board of Directors, Advisors or Volunteers. It is not meant to serve as medical advise of any kind. Any questions about your health and sexuality should be directed to a licensed physician or therapist. Any opinions expressed are solely those of the writer who voluntarily blogs for TPF without compensation.

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