July 27, 2017

Courtship part 2

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What is a faulty Love Map? It means that your natural attraction to someone who’s right for you was distorted due to childhood shame or wounding, which causes you to make inappropriate choices and actions in love. We need to heal the past to make wise choices and mend our current relationships, including our relationship with ourselves.

How to heal this? Begin by writing about the patterns you have repeated in your relationship/s that have caused you pain or been dysfunctional. As you write, call on your compassion for yourself and remember that you were doing the best you could. Then call on your wise inner adult and write about what needs to be healed, and some possible ways to heal. You can literally rewrite your “script” for a healthy love map. If you need help with this, find resources through a counselor or books about relationship. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks and Harville Hendricks have some wonderful books about healthy relationships.

courtship-800x800Another powerful action to take is to make a vision board for your love map. Find images and words that represent your healthy love map and put them together into a collage on some poster board.  What are the elements for you that make your heart sing and have you feel loving, lovable and loved? Using images is a powerful way to engage all of your brain, not just the linear thinking brain. Your love map lives in your reptilian brain, and the visual love map will activate and help heal this.

Next, practice flirting. Flirting can be a look at your partner across a crowded room that says, “You’re mine…” It can be planning a romantic dinner and cooking with love. As you sit at the candle-lit table, lay “footsie” with your partner’s feet under the table. Be playful and have fun. It doesn’t need to go any farther than this. Check in with yourself to see what feels good ~ don’t go too fast. This is a time to slow things down and revel in the pleasure of simple acts. Many of us feel that things went too fast when we were younger, and we didn’t know what to do, so we went along. Now know that you are in the driver’s seat. Think of it as a do-over for those times when simply holding hands was a very big thing.

Try this ~ for the rest of the month, flirt with your partner several times a week. The agenda is to have fun, let them know you’re attracted to them, and to show them with your words and actions. This is not about sex; rather, it’s about the dance of courtship. Go slow and just flirt for now. See how that feels as you learn some new choreography.

Join me Feb. 22-24 in Seattle for the C4YW conference. I’m offering 2 workshops on cancer, intimacy and sexuality. Molly MacDonald and TPF will also be there. Financial help is available. Check it out:  www.C4YW.org

© 2012 by Barbara Musser, Sexy After Cancer.
For more resources, go to SexyAfterCancer.com

This blog does not reflect the opinions of TPF, its Founder, Board of Directors, Advisors or Volunteers. It is not meant to serve as medical advise of any kind. Any questions about your health and sexuality should be directed to a licensed physician or therapist. Any opinions expressed are solely those of the writer who voluntarily blogs for TPF without compensation.

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