September 16, 2014

Heart Broken Open

Barbara Musser, sexy after cancer, heart broken open, grief, loss of love

My heart is broken ~ broken open. I recently heard that a broken heart is an open heart. The cracks and breaks offer openings into newer and deeper explorations of love. For the past 9 months there have been many surprising twists and turns on my path ~ sudden death, dreams dissolving, mysterious challenges in lots of different forms. I’m learning to be present to what’s happening and my reactions and responses to what’s happening, and to choose to open to the waves of emotion that come.

Had I known that my last conversation with my mother was the final one before her sudden death, I would have chosen to say other things to her. I would have gone to her and hugged her and told her I love her no matter what. This experience has changed me. In the moment of knowing that nothing would ever be different and that no other words would every be spoken, I suddenly woke up to the delicacy of life in different ways. I like to think that I’m more aware and present all the time, and that’s not been my experience. However, I am much more interested in being in internal integrity, in complete communication and in loving generously.

Here are some of the things I’m learning as I go along ~

  • It’s easy for me to get lost in attempting to understand what’s happening, and understanding doesn’t really help. Now when I find myself in that mode I realize that I can choose to abandon understanding and simply accept and be with what’s happening. It requires a whole lot less thinking and leaves a lot more room for delight.
  • Life is different than I thought. I tend to think a lot and that can create expectations of how I think things ought to be. In that place I don’t get to experience as much because I’m busy looking for what I expect. When I’m looking for what I expect I don’t actually see what’s right in front of me.
  • Things happen in their own time. There’s no forcing anything to happen before it’s time ~ a flower bud will open at the right time. Forcing it kills the flower. Patience is a practice.
  • Love, kindness and generosity of spirit trump everything else.

Like the flower, I blossom at the right time for me, and I can’t speed up that blossoming without unintended consequences. I am loosening my grip on what I think I know and who I’ve thought myself to be, so that I can open to the possibility and delight of life and love. Loosening, relaxing, breathing, opening to more love in whatever form it comes. May my breaking open continue.

Comments

  1. “understanding doesn’t help!” Wow, what a concept. And I never thought of it like that. Very helpful Barbara. Love this. Thank you.

    • Hi Joan, a teacher of mine said that understanding is the boobie prize ~ you’re still left with the challenge and feelings, and a lot more thoughts about it. It can be a downward spiral to go down that tunnel… xx

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